Welcome home soul family. It's taken me a while to get back into the head space of writing this blog, but alas, once again I am ready to bare my soul in hopes that even one person might find comfort in knowing we have a shared experience. The last month, not unlike the last year, has been quite the emotional roller coaster ride. My situation has not changed much in the sense that I am still without home, car and steady income. For the last couple weeks of June I managed to shift my perceptual state considerably. I moved into a state of fearlessness and trust and just like I came to experience while in the islands, the magic began to pervade everything. I began living so fully in the present moment- with so much gratitude and awareness of my innate power- that for a short time again my daily existence consisted of one synchronistic explosion after another. When I would follow my joy, it would deliver me to the perfect moment and place where the doors of opportunity were clearly marked and wide open. Standing inside those open doorways would be, none other than, the one and only person who could help me cross over the threshold at that moment in time (although I've come to understand that time is simply an illusion- a mental construct we create because non-linear based perception is too overwhelming for our senses at this point in evolution).
I love those moments.... pure ecstatic bliss in which everything becomes so surreally perfectly Divine that I can't help but laugh out loud!! The great cosmic joke, with whom I've been playing an eternal round of hide-and-seek, in which I seem to have amnesia and sometimes forget the game we are playing, once again creeps up behind me and tickles me to my fullest delight and for a moment I let go of all worry, struggle and fear and I remember.... I remember who I am. I remember where I came from. I remember that I never actually left the womb, but that I am still surrounded by the amniotic fluid of Source and everything in existence is an expression of Love and Source consciousness manifesting itself in physical form. And that means everything, including what we perceive to be "bad" or "negative". It all has it's place and a role to play in our evolution.
During the last week in June I felt honored to be invited by a friend to attend a Sundance sweat lodge- a ceremony performed in the Lakota tradition. We drove out to Joshua Tree in the late afternoon and marveled at the beauty of the surrounding hills, with the sunset casting a hue of pinks, blues and purples across the desert sky that left my heart aching for more time spent in wide open & wild spaces. We started preparing our prayer bundles for all the people/things we wanted to pray for during ceremony and I gave thought to all the people I love and to all sentient beings who need healing . Although I had been in a good mental state for a number of days leading up to this, I wasn't quite sure what to expect once in the sweat. I somewhat anticipated to have some heavy stuff get stirred up, if only because that is the nature of such intense prayer. I prayed for the healing of my family, my friends, for all people on this plane of existence. I prayed for the plants and the nature spirits to work with us in cooperation to cultivate lasting gardens so that all may have access to healthy food. I prayed for my cetacean relatives who called for my help time after time while swimming in the waters off of Maui. I prayed for the planetary healing of water and soil. And I prayed for myself and called upon Great Spirit to guide me and give me courage to continue on this journey, and to help me always remember I am the Co-Creator of my existence. After our four rounds of prayer, I emerged into the full moon light feeling alive, strong and like an empty vessel, albeit a bit to my surprise that I did not have any emotions come flooding into my awareness. But that was even more reinforcement that the inner clearing work I've been doing has been to my great benefit.
But seeing as change is the only constant in this universe, my ecstatic high eventually wore off a few days after the sweat, and with it came the next wave of emotions that had been dwelling deep within not only my psyche but, my physical body as well. It began to rid my body in the form of an achy back, sore muscles, and flu like symptoms. With it came intense feelings of anger and resentment. At first I could not pinpoint where this anger was coming from. In a sense it did not even feel like mine, and for a moment I thought I might be channeling the pain of humanity as a whole. I smudged myself with sage and for a day felt quite a bit better. But then the anger returned and this time I knew for sure it was mine. It came with sobs and wails and for a few days I retreated into the solitude of the home I am so lucky to be care taking for the time being. It became clear that I am unhappy about not having more intimacy in my life. I realize now that I am suffering from a lack of affection, a lack of touch in the most basic sense. I want to hold someone's hand, and not be afraid. I want to cuddle and play and hug and laugh. And kiss. I want all the love I radiate out to the world to be mirrored back to me through physicality. All the strength I've had to muster these last few years has helped me to overcome great obstacles and has served in helping me to"unknot" a lot of my kinks, so to say, but it has also left me feeling isolated and afraid to get entangled in anyone else's mess. And yet, this is the illusion I've chosen to hold onto. And for what purpose? Do I really feel like I'm helping myself out by keeping things all neat and orderly by not merging with another? My experience up to this point has been that the people I've drawn into my life have not had the same desire to go deep, as I have. And I am unwilling to settle. I value a fearlessness to push beyond the comfortable and explore the deepest, darkest corners of our heart-space~ as I feel there is no other way to fully live.
And with that exploration sometimes you discover things that might have just felt better left alone. But I know that leaving something unattended to is only leaving it to be dealt with at another time, and that my physical body is being primed to accommodate more light and so now is the time to get it all out on the table. The one thing I feel most intensely is frustration- at not having a sacred space of my own, at not having the money to take care of basic necessities, and of not having a partner by my side during all of this. In a sense, I feel my intuition led me back to the mainland to meet someone and yet, I continue to question whether I'm even interested in pursuing a monogamous relationship or if polyamory is much more suited to my personality. Also frustrating, are the premonition dreams I continue to have about a man I've never met and with whom I feel a strong karmic connection, but who I know to be in a happy relationship with someone else. And still I know it is all Divinely perfect. I am precisely where I need to be and all is unfolding exactly as I designed it to. I will continue to be gentle and loving with myself as I release these toxins, thankful for the reminder that this is what it means and feels like to be having a spiritual experience in this physical form. I thank all of you who took the time to read these ramblings of my heart.... I have never dared to share so much of myself and hope this inspires others to open up and let love and light flood those dark corners of the soul. Let all fear be cast out from under its shadow by the light of love!!! Blessings to you all and goodnight....
I love those moments.... pure ecstatic bliss in which everything becomes so surreally perfectly Divine that I can't help but laugh out loud!! The great cosmic joke, with whom I've been playing an eternal round of hide-and-seek, in which I seem to have amnesia and sometimes forget the game we are playing, once again creeps up behind me and tickles me to my fullest delight and for a moment I let go of all worry, struggle and fear and I remember.... I remember who I am. I remember where I came from. I remember that I never actually left the womb, but that I am still surrounded by the amniotic fluid of Source and everything in existence is an expression of Love and Source consciousness manifesting itself in physical form. And that means everything, including what we perceive to be "bad" or "negative". It all has it's place and a role to play in our evolution.
During the last week in June I felt honored to be invited by a friend to attend a Sundance sweat lodge- a ceremony performed in the Lakota tradition. We drove out to Joshua Tree in the late afternoon and marveled at the beauty of the surrounding hills, with the sunset casting a hue of pinks, blues and purples across the desert sky that left my heart aching for more time spent in wide open & wild spaces. We started preparing our prayer bundles for all the people/things we wanted to pray for during ceremony and I gave thought to all the people I love and to all sentient beings who need healing . Although I had been in a good mental state for a number of days leading up to this, I wasn't quite sure what to expect once in the sweat. I somewhat anticipated to have some heavy stuff get stirred up, if only because that is the nature of such intense prayer. I prayed for the healing of my family, my friends, for all people on this plane of existence. I prayed for the plants and the nature spirits to work with us in cooperation to cultivate lasting gardens so that all may have access to healthy food. I prayed for my cetacean relatives who called for my help time after time while swimming in the waters off of Maui. I prayed for the planetary healing of water and soil. And I prayed for myself and called upon Great Spirit to guide me and give me courage to continue on this journey, and to help me always remember I am the Co-Creator of my existence. After our four rounds of prayer, I emerged into the full moon light feeling alive, strong and like an empty vessel, albeit a bit to my surprise that I did not have any emotions come flooding into my awareness. But that was even more reinforcement that the inner clearing work I've been doing has been to my great benefit.
But seeing as change is the only constant in this universe, my ecstatic high eventually wore off a few days after the sweat, and with it came the next wave of emotions that had been dwelling deep within not only my psyche but, my physical body as well. It began to rid my body in the form of an achy back, sore muscles, and flu like symptoms. With it came intense feelings of anger and resentment. At first I could not pinpoint where this anger was coming from. In a sense it did not even feel like mine, and for a moment I thought I might be channeling the pain of humanity as a whole. I smudged myself with sage and for a day felt quite a bit better. But then the anger returned and this time I knew for sure it was mine. It came with sobs and wails and for a few days I retreated into the solitude of the home I am so lucky to be care taking for the time being. It became clear that I am unhappy about not having more intimacy in my life. I realize now that I am suffering from a lack of affection, a lack of touch in the most basic sense. I want to hold someone's hand, and not be afraid. I want to cuddle and play and hug and laugh. And kiss. I want all the love I radiate out to the world to be mirrored back to me through physicality. All the strength I've had to muster these last few years has helped me to overcome great obstacles and has served in helping me to"unknot" a lot of my kinks, so to say, but it has also left me feeling isolated and afraid to get entangled in anyone else's mess. And yet, this is the illusion I've chosen to hold onto. And for what purpose? Do I really feel like I'm helping myself out by keeping things all neat and orderly by not merging with another? My experience up to this point has been that the people I've drawn into my life have not had the same desire to go deep, as I have. And I am unwilling to settle. I value a fearlessness to push beyond the comfortable and explore the deepest, darkest corners of our heart-space~ as I feel there is no other way to fully live.
And with that exploration sometimes you discover things that might have just felt better left alone. But I know that leaving something unattended to is only leaving it to be dealt with at another time, and that my physical body is being primed to accommodate more light and so now is the time to get it all out on the table. The one thing I feel most intensely is frustration- at not having a sacred space of my own, at not having the money to take care of basic necessities, and of not having a partner by my side during all of this. In a sense, I feel my intuition led me back to the mainland to meet someone and yet, I continue to question whether I'm even interested in pursuing a monogamous relationship or if polyamory is much more suited to my personality. Also frustrating, are the premonition dreams I continue to have about a man I've never met and with whom I feel a strong karmic connection, but who I know to be in a happy relationship with someone else. And still I know it is all Divinely perfect. I am precisely where I need to be and all is unfolding exactly as I designed it to. I will continue to be gentle and loving with myself as I release these toxins, thankful for the reminder that this is what it means and feels like to be having a spiritual experience in this physical form. I thank all of you who took the time to read these ramblings of my heart.... I have never dared to share so much of myself and hope this inspires others to open up and let love and light flood those dark corners of the soul. Let all fear be cast out from under its shadow by the light of love!!! Blessings to you all and goodnight....
Ayyyyyy! Looooove! YOUUUUU! You me and dani should start a transparent bloggers club. I need this kind of stuff to remember I'm not alone, I forget sometimes. So glad you are sharing your light in this way.
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